Hanging in there

This is by far, the hardest thing I've ever done. And I'm not meaning physically.  In order to understand, I have to start from the beginning.

The first week in May, my husband and I took our vacation out to Portland, Oregon. We had a fantastic trip! Outside of visiting with family, we spent our anniversary on the coast, see the Portland Zoo, and then just spend time downtown Portland. The whole trip made me fall in love with the city, and my husband all over again.

It always sucks getting back home. The flight home is a whole day event. We arrived at the airport at 9 am and didn't get home until 11 pm. For us, because we knew about the trip home, we left in the middle of the week.

Once we were home, I felt like all I wanted to do was nap or read, since we did stop at Powells, we had added to our already huge book collection. Trust me, that is exactly what I did!

We got back to work and the normal pattern of things. Little miss Katie and I even filmed a video. :)

On the morning of May 20, I took a pregnancy test....and it was positive! Being up at 5:15 in the morning (because you have to use your first pee of the morning to get the best results) with the most exciting news kinda sucks. Because all you want to do is scream, laugh, and cry...not to mention wake up the husband and share the great news with him. However, I waited until the alarm clock goes off...and congratulate the new Daddy.

Everything seems to go smoothly. I even started filming secret vlogs. My only issue was trying to keep this news a secret...which was pretty much impossible.  On Memorial Day weekend, Spencer -my husband- and I went over to his sister's house for a BBQ. I wanted to tell everyone at once, so I managed to Skype with my mother to have her part of the moment.

And we were slick about it. At least I thought. :) The family hadn't seen us since we had been back from our trip. We told them that we had a gift for the and gathered everyone around the table.

My mother-in-law would have just seen the pacifiers in the box and just screamed leaving everyone else in the dark, so we handed the package to my father-in-law. He opened it up, looked confused for a minutes, and then it clicked... "Oh really?". It was the best part of the whole weekend!

On June 9, we went for our first ultrasound. Words can't even describe the amount of joy I felt! At that time, I was measuring 6 weeks and 6 days. The heart beat wasat 120 beats per minute. Seeing my little amoeba, I was so excited!

Things seemed to go rather smooth for me. I wasn't ever sick, and I mean ever. However, I was always tired.

Our next appointment was July 3. I asked Spencer to go in with me, because I thought that we might be able to hear the heartbeat. Which, sadly didn't happen. We just sat and talked with the midwife about everything and then went about our holiday weekend.

On Tuesday, July 8 at 11:30 I went I to the bathroom while at work and noticed I was spotting. My worst fears crept into my mind...I didn't know what to do first. I called my husband, who didn't answer because he was on his way to work...so I called my mom. Who then told me to call the doctor.

I did, and they helped calm me down. Saying that sometimes the blood vessels rupture due to intercourse up to two days prior. That helped calm me down. They did mention that if things should change, cramping or actual bleeding, to call them back.

This is where I'm going to do my little public service announcement. Most women don't talk about this. And after gone through it myself, I understand why....Also, this may seem a little graphic in gore since.

At 8 pm....it changed. I got up from watching Pretty Little Lairs to go pee. All I did was sit down when I hear three clops drop into the toilet...I  wiped and seen blood. My heart dropped into my stomach and all I could think was No NO no no! I love my baby! Please be alright, please God! NO NO No!

My amazing neighbor, Ami, was home. As soon as it happened...I went to get her. Sobing uncontrollably I'm not even sure how i managed to get the words out. She helped me in calling the doctors and sit and listen to me.

After explaining to the midwife on call what had been going on, she confirmed me worst nightmare. This was a miscarriage. This is not the news you want to hear while your husband is still at work. Having to make that call was extremely difficult. Calling my mother was a close second.

I didn't sleep well. I new that I had to get some rest. I managed to cramp all night long. But nothing to horrible.

On Wednesday morning, we talked with the midwives and scheduled another ultrasound to see what was going on.

As we made our way there, all I could do was think...please let them be wrong. But this is one of those things that your heart really just wants to override your brain even when your brain knows the truth.

They take us back for the ultrasound...the tech said she didn't think she'd be able to see anything on top but would try. More than likely they would have to do a vaginal ultrasound.

Up on the screen....there is my amoeba...with no flicking heartbeat....measuring between 7 and 8 weeks when I was supposed to be 11 weeks. My heart was torn into pieces.

After we left the ultrasound office, mind you being taken out the back, we headed for the midwife office.

Again, we were taken straight back into a room. Once the midwife came in, she hugged me. The whole time she was completely comforting. Our main question was, why?

They don't know. She told us that these things happen. That there was nothing we did to cause this and nothing we could have done to prevent it.

I did finally pass everything...and it wasn't easy. Both physically or mentally. I will skip that.

This has been the roughest thing I have ever gone through. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, ever!

There is a hope for the future. I go this week to have my hormone levels check. Once they are a normal non pregnant level, we can start again.

Whatever happens, I want my little amoeba to know....Mommy will always love you!

I do plan on going back to doing my videos and continuing with this blog...I just have been having a rough time with this. I just wanted to let you all know what has been going on and that I love you all as well.